For the past three years on New Year’s Eve when the clock struck twelve, I have silently told myself that this year will be different. And for the past three years the “different” that I had imagined has not come to be. As 2012 arrived we had finished up the necessary rounds of testing with the infertility doctor and were ready to come up with a plan for getting pregnant. 2013 came and we were mourning the death of our first child while in the midst of more infertility treatments. When 2014 got here we were grieving the loss of two babies and trudging through even more invasive infertility treatments. Every year I dreamed of something different, something better, and every year I was met with more and more pain and disappointment.
You keep pushing through. You keep hoping and you keep believing. Yes, the past three years have been the most difficult of my life, but every second hasn’t been miserable. I have learned to seek out moments of joy in the midst of the pain. I have learned to appreciate the little things, because they really are the big things. My faith has grown, as well as my relationships.
Tonight we will ring in 2015. When the ball drops and the clock strikes twelve (if I’m still awake), I will be able to say with absolute confidence that this year WILL be different. In six short weeks or less, we will welcome our third child into the world. We will get to see this one, to hold this one, to raise this one. It took a little over halfway through this pregnancy for me to fully believe this. After we were released from high-risk care at 24 weeks, I said to Keith, “I think we’re going to get to keep this one.” This baby will change our lives, just like his or her siblings in Heaven did.
If you still find yourself saying “this year will be different,” don’t give up. Keep pushing through. Keep hoping. Keep believing. Look for the joy. Appreciate the little things. And most of all, thank God for giving you another year.