God’s message on this day didn’t come to me through a burning bush or in a dream. It came to me while I was sitting on the toilet of all places. You see, throughout the pregnancy, every time I went to the bathroom I looked for blood.
If you know anything about the bladder of a pregnant woman, then you know that’s a lot of trips to the bathroom.
So, on this particular day, after not finding blood, God sent me a message. I heard these words (not audibly, but in my head):
You don’t have to be afraid.
Those six words provided me with enough peace to get through the days leading up to the genetics appointment. I didn’t interpret this message as “everything is going to be okay with your baby.” I interpreted as “No matter what happens, you don’t have to be afraid because I am with you.”
We went to the appointment on July 31 and met with the geneticist. It was a bit excruciating because I had to recount the events of our previous pregnancies (even though she had my file right in front of her). This happened a lot throughout the pregnancy, but that’s another blog post. We then had to sit through her explaining our risks of various genetic disorders (mainly due to my age). We declined any genetic blood testing and proceeded to the NT scan. I just needed to know that this baby didn’t have the same issues as our first sweet baby. During this particular scan, the tech is measuring the clear space in the tissue behind the baby’s neck. Extra fluid (resulting in a larger than average clear space) could indicate a problem.
Samuel wasn’t cooperating and would not move into a position that would allow the tech to get a good measurement. We had to come back the following week to repeat the scan. We were assured that day that Samuel’s heart was located in his chest cavity and there did not appear to be any abdominal wall defect or cystic hygroma. That was all I needed to hear. The anomalies that took our first baby from us were not present. My biggest fear was quenched with this news and we were praising Jesus. I didn’t have to be afraid.
I wish I could tell you that those words – “You don’t have to be afraid” – were able to take away all of my anxiety for the remainder of the pregnancy. I wish I could tell you that I clung to those words and faced the remainder of the pregnancy without fear. I wish I could tell you receiving this message from God made the remainder of the pregnancy easier. Unfortunately, pregnancy after loss is so very difficult. This baby didn’t have the same problems as my first baby, but what about all the other millions of other things that could go wrong?
Looking back on the pregnancy, I was scared, actually terrified a lot (read that as MOST) of the time that something was going to go wrong and we wouldn’t be bringing this baby home either. Looking back I can tell you that God was with us every step of the way. This message from Him was just one of many little ways that He revealed Himself to me throughout the pregnancy.