As she begins the scan, she also begins explaining things. It’s too much. Keith squeezes my hand and whispers, “Make her stop.” I politely ask her not to say any more. She apologizes, but it’s not her fault. She was just trying to help. As she takes measurements I eventually just close my eyes and wait for it to be over.
Then there it is – that sound that was so sweet just over a month ago. That heartbeat was now so sour, so bitter, so harsh. God did not answer my prayers. If it was not His will for our baby to live I did not want to hear that heartbeat. I had prayed that God would take the decision away. Why was He putting this decision in our hands, conflicting all we believe? Why could He not just take the choice away? Why did our baby’s heart still have to be beating?
She finishes up and leaves to get the doctor. Dr. P enters the room and introduces herself to Keith. She hugs me and apologizes. It was just last week that I was here for my first prenatal visit with her. She was so happy and excited for me. Now she is so sorry for me. She looks at the screen and starts to talk. It isn’t good. It would be risky to try and carry the baby. We’re doing the right thing.
It sure doesn’t feel right. This is not how my pregnancy was supposed to end. We know we are making the “best” decision in a terrible situation. We also know that if our baby had any chance of life our decision would be different. It’s not like our baby will have a short life or a tough life. The doctors are certain. There will be no life. So we go home and wait.