As Christians we often talk about God’s perfect timing. I wonder how often we wholeheartedly trust and believe that God’s timing is perfect. I know in our journey through infertility, I often said, “it’s all in God’s timing.” While I said these words, and part of me believed them, there was still a part of me that was skeptical. When we want something, we want it now, without waiting. It’s human nature. I wanted to be pregnant. I did not want to wait nearly a year after each of my losses to be pregnant again. I wanted it immediately, without waiting, without the struggle.
I can tell you today, without any doubt, that God’s timing is indeed perfect. When we got pregnant in May, I was on the verge of giving up my dream of ever parenting a living child. My RE had recommended IVF, but we were not emotionally or financially ready for that. We had plans to do another IUI in June and switch drugs, but we were unsure of what would happen after that. At that point in time there was a possibility that we would have to go back on Keith’s insurance, which would mean a loss of infertility coverage. There were all kinds of unknowns and I was tired. I had reached the point where I totally surrendered to God’s plan. If my dream happened, awesome. If it didn’t, I was ready to prepare for what that meant.
Today we celebrate 20 weeks and the halfway point in this pregnancy. I am overwhelmed by God’s perfect timing. I am thankful that God has given me the ability to stand in the present while being able to embrace the past and look forward to the future. I am thankful that God has provided me with unspeakable joy for this pregnancy and indescribable gratitude for my babies in Heaven. I am thankful that God has filled me with a sense of peace and well-being about this pregnancy, even though I am still a nervous wreck before each scan and doctor’s appointment.
I have a feeling that the next 20 weeks will be a whirlwind. There is so much to be done. The nursery has to be prepared…registries have to be completed…a pediatrician has to be chosen…and so much more! All of this with the holidays right in the middle. I know that it is a good thing that I will be so busy. It will give me less time to worry. When worry does decide to rear it’s ugly head, which it no doubt will, I will imagine the precious moment when I am holding this sweet baby in my arms.