Just a Feeling

May 4, 2012 – I wake up with more back pain, but what concerns me most is the bleeding. There’s not much, but I don’t like it. Back pain is nothing new to me. I was diagnosed with slight scoliosis in my lower back several years ago and have lower back pain often. When I mentioned it to Dr. P earlier in the week she said that it could become more painful during the pregnancy and may require physical therapy. I just have a bad feeling about this pain. Throughout the week the location of the pain has gone further down my spine, much lower than usual. Something just does not feel right.

I call into work and tell them I’ll be staying home until I can call into the doctor’s office when they open. At 8 am sharp I dial the number to Dr. P’s office and leave a detailed message with the receptionist. A nurse calls back a few minutes later and I explain what is going on. She tells me it is probably nothing to worry about. I can rest today and throughout the weekend or she can try to get me in to see someone today. I choose option two and she checks the schedule. Dr. P is all booked today, but one of the nurse midwives can see me in the Rock Hill office.

A few hours later I’m sitting in an exam room. The CNM comes in and I explain to her what is going on. She does an exam and says that the bleeding is probably just from Dr. P’s exam on Tuesday and nothing to worry about. Then she uses the fetal Doppler to check the heart rate. She moves it around my abdomen, but cannot hear anything. She explains that sometimes it is still difficult to hear the heartbeat at this stage and schedules an ultrasound. Despite her assurance, I am still extremely anxious. I call Keith at work and explain what is going on. Then I grab some lunch before meeting him back at the doctor’s office.

Less than an hour later we are back in the waiting room. They call us back and we wait for the ultrasound to begin. Moments later the tech enters, begins the scan and there it is – God’s miracle. Our beautiful baby is cutting flips, although I cannot feel them yet. There is much more to see this time. We can now make out a head, arms and legs. I am amazed at all of the activity I see. Then there it is once again, the sweetest sound. We finally hear the heartbeat that eluded us earlier in the day and it is beating strong. What a huge relief! I exhale and enjoy the view on the screen as the tech silently takes many measurements.

When the ultrasound is finished we are given some pictures and taken back to an exam room to talk to the CNM. As she enters the room, that feeling of relief is extinguished. She explains that the baby’s abdomen is measuring large, but is not able to give us a reason or tell us what this means. One of the doctors in the office has looked at the pictures and they are sending us to the Women’s Institute for another ultrasound.  As we get to my car the tears start to fall. I don’t want anything to be wrong with our baby.

A nurse calls me soon after I return home. The appointment is made for Monday afternoon. Today is Friday. It is going to be a long weekend. It is a weekend full of worry, full of fear. But there is still hope that whatever is wrong can be fixed.